meandering thoughts about community
There's a kind of troublesome inflexibility in a lot of communities that I've observed. I don't know if this is modern or if it's been like that forever! But I think some of it is like... trying to taxonomize things too much into smaller and smaller boxes until it's only just you in your box and you can't maintain a community.
Which is to say, I think this happens a lot when people identify with the central joining aspect of the community. You don't (usually) see this in like, knitting circles.1 I also wonder if this has kind of been exacerbated by the internet and being able to travel further easily—which is to say, if you don't like your local community, you're not stuck with them. There's good stuff about that, obviously! Especially if you're a weirdo who doesn't have people who identify similarly in the same locality. But sometimes I think it stops people from actually listening to each other and working out their problems.
Take for example the issue in lgbtq/queer circles about what terminology is "reclaimed" and which terminology is a "slur." Stepping back, it feels like the obvious conclusion is that people have different experiences. What feels good to you may have been used as a pejorative or erasing for someone else and vice-versa, and by being prescriptive about what everyone "should" identify with versus what they "shouldn't," it means suddenly people people who would be part of your broader coalition are being told that they're enemies, outsiders, agitators, self-hating, or crypto-somethings.
(This is not to say that this is always the case—like, yeah, you don't want TERFs in your spaces if you want them to stay safe for trans people!)
I strongly believe a lot of people want to do the right thing and do good by others. But it seems like people are looking for some kind of absolute truth of What's Best when actually... everyone's different. That's the difficult part of being in a community and engaging with the rest of the world—people have different hurts and traumas and baggage, which means it's possible to hit your friends with friendly fire. But if you're committed to being in community with one another, that's when you have to do the uncomfortable thing, which is talk about your feelings, listen to the other person's feelings, and figure out how to be kind to one another.
Just, you know. Easier said than done.2